A farmer got in his truck and drove to a neighbouring farm and knocked at the farmhouse door.
A young boy, about nine, opened the door.
"Is your Dad home"? the farmer asked.
"Sorry mate, he isn't" the boy replied. "He went into town."
"Well," said the farmer, "Is your mum here"?
"No, sir, she's not here either. She went into town with Dad."
"How about your brother, Greg? Is he here"?
"He went with Mum and Dad."
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to theother and mumbling to himself.
"Is there anything I can do for ya"? the boy asked politely. "I know where all the tools are if you want to borrow one. Or maybe, I could take a message for Dad."
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Greg getting my daughter pregnant."
The boy considered for a moment.
"You'd have to talk to Dad about that," he finally conceded.
"If it helps you any, I know that Dad charges $200 for the bull and $150 for the pig, but I really don't know how much he gets for Greg.
Is ur dad home
Mathematics - Good one
A little boy was doing his maths homework.
He said to himself,
"Two plus five, the son of bitch is seven.
Three plus six, the son of bitch is nine..."
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my maths homework, Mom."
"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.
"Yes," he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you
teaching my son in maths?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."
The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, the
son of bitch is four?"
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them
was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four ...
Man, wife and dog - Ultimate
A man was leaving a cafe with his morning coffee when he noticed a mostunusual funeral procession A funeral coffin was followed by a second one about 50 feet behind the first. Behind the second coffin was a solitary man Walking with a black dog. Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking in single line. The man couldn't stand his curiosity.
He approached the man walking with the dog, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this with so many of you walking in single line. Whose funeral is it?"
The man replied, "Well, that first coffin is for my wife."
"What happened to her?"
The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her."
He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second coffin?"
The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog attacked and killed her also."
A thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men. Then the first one asks in excitement, "Can I borrow the dog?"
The man replied, "Join the queue."
Excellence
A German once visited a temple under construction where he saw a sculptor making an idol of God. Suddenly he noticed a similar idol lying nearby. Surprised, he asked the sculptor, "Do you need two statues of the same idol?" "No," said the sculptor without looking up, "We need only one, but the first one got damaged at the last stage." The gentleman examined the idol and found no apparent damage. "Where is the damage?" he asked. "There is a scratch on the nose of the idol." said the sculptor, still busy with his work. "Where are you going to install the idol?" |
Peace of Mind
Once Buddha was walking from one town to another town with a few of his followers. This was in the initial days. While they were traveling, they happened to pass a lake. They stopped there and Buddha told one of his disciples, “I am thirsty. Do get me some water from that lake there.”
The disciple walked up to the lake. When he reached it, he noticed that right at that moment, a bullock cart started crossing through the lake. As a result, the water became very muddy, very turbid. The disciple thought, “How can I give this muddy water to Buddha to drink!”
So he came back and told Buddha, “The water in there is very muddy. I don’t think it is fit to drink.” After about half an hour, again Buddha asked the same disciple to go back to the lake and get him some water to drink. The disciple obediently went back to the lake.
This time too he found that the lake was muddy. He returned and informed Buddha about the same. After sometime, again Buddha asked the same disciple to go back.
The disciple reached the lake to find the lake absolutely clean and clear with pure water in it. The mud had settled down and the water above it looked fit to be had. So he collected some water in a pot and brought it to Buddha.
Buddha looked at the water, and then he looked up at the disciple and said,” See what you did to make the water clean. You let it be…. and the mud settled down on its own – and you got clear water.
Your mind is also like that! When it is disturbed, just let it be. Give it a little time. It will settle down on its own. You don’t have to put in any effort to calm it down. It will happen. It is effortless.”
What did Buddha emphasize here? He said, “It is effortless.” Having ‘Peace of Mind’ is not a strenuous job; it is an effortless process!
In life everything goes on... Keep Going..
Peace of Mind
Once Buddha was walking from one town to another town with a few of his followers. This was in the initial days. While they were traveling, they happened to pass a lake. They stopped there and Buddha told one of his disciples, “I am thirsty. Do get me some water from that lake there.”
The disciple walked up to the lake. When he reached it, he noticed that right at that moment, a bullock cart started crossing through the lake. As a result, the water became very muddy, very turbid. The disciple thought, “How can I give this muddy water to Buddha to drink!”
So he came back and told Buddha, “The water in there is very muddy. I don’t think it is fit to drink.” After about half an hour, again Buddha asked the same disciple to go back to the lake and get him some water to drink. The disciple obediently went back to the lake.
This time too he found that the lake was muddy. He returned and informed Buddha about the same. After sometime, again Buddha asked the same disciple to go back.
The disciple reached the lake to find the lake absolutely clean and clear with pure water in it. The mud had settled down and the water above it looked fit to be had. So he collected some water in a pot and brought it to Buddha.
Buddha looked at the water, and then he looked up at the disciple and said,” See what you did to make the water clean. You let it be…. and the mud settled down on its own – and you got clear water.
Your mind is also like that! When it is disturbed, just let it be. Give it a little time. It will settle down on its own. You don’t have to put in any effort to calm it down. It will happen. It is effortless.”
What did Buddha emphasize here? He said, “It is effortless.” Having ‘Peace of Mind’ is not a strenuous job; it is an effortless process!
In life everything goes on... Keep Going..
Daughter-in-laws revenge
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the Man's face was severely burned.
The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin.
However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the Skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face.
He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty!
One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice.
He said, 'Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?'
'My darling,' she replied,' I get all the thanks I need - every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.'
Hospitality
In one of the towns that she was to visit, she was booked to stay in a small guest house owned by the local schoolmaster. She was concerned as to whether the guest house had a suitable toilet. She wrote to the schoolmaster inquiring about the facilities like Western Closet 'WC'.
The school master, not having heard the term, asked the local priest if he knew the meaning of WC. Together they pondered possible meanings of the letters. The priest, convinced the schoolmaster that the lady wanted to know about the local church, which they called Western Chappel.
So the schoolmaster wrote the following reply:
Dear Madam,
I take great pleasure in informing you that the WC is located 9 miles from the house in the middle of a grove of pine trees, surrounded by lovely grounds. It is capable of holding 229 people and is open on Sundays and Thursdays. This is an unfortunate situation especially if you are in the habit of going daily. As many people are expected on each of these two days, I suggest you arrive early. Those who do not often have to remain standing throughout. It may be of some interest to you that my friend's daughter was married in the WC as it was there that she met her husband. It was a wonderful event. There were 10 people in every seat.
It was wonderful to see the expressions on their faces. My friend's wife, sadly, has been ill and unable to go recently. It has been almost a year since she went last and this pains her greatly.
You will be pleased to know that many people carry their lunch and make a day of it. Others prefer to wait till the last minute and arrive just in time. I would recommend your ladyship plan to go on a Thursday as there is an organ accompaniment. The acoustics are excellent and even the most delicate sounds can be heard everywhere.
The newest addition is a bell which rings every time a person enters. Funds are being collected to provide plush seats for all since many feel it is long needed. I look forward to escorting you there myself and seating you in a place where you can be seen by all.
With deepest regards,
The Schoolmaster.
The woman fainted reading the reply....
A question of economic management - Global Financial Crisis
It is August. In a small town on the South Coast of France, holiday season is in full swing, but it is raining so there is not too much business happening. Everyone is heavily in debt.
Luckily, a rich Russian tourist arrives in the foyer of the small local hotel. He asks for a room and puts a Euro100 note on the reception counter, takes a key and goes to inspect the room located up the stairs on the third floor.
The hotel owner takes the banknote in hurry and rushes to his meat supplier to whom he owes E100.
The butcher takes the money and races to his supplier to pay his debt.
The wholesaler rushes to the farmer to pay E100 for pigs he purchased some time ago.
The farmer triumphantly gives the E100 note to a local prostitute who gave him her services on credit.
The prostitute goes quickly to the hotel, as she owed the hotel for her hourly room use to entertain clients.
At that moment, the rich Russian is coming down to reception and informs the hotel owner that the proposed room is unsatisfactory and takes his E100 back and departs.
There was no profit or income. But everyone no longer has any debt and the small town people look optimistically towards their future.
COULD THIS BE THE SOLUTION TO THE Global Financial Crisis? Or, is there a catch here?
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Expectations
A shopkeeper watching over his shop is really surprised when he sees a dog coming inside the shop. He shoos him away. But later, the dog is back inside again. So he goes over to the dog and notices that it has a note in its mouth.
He takes the note and it reads, "Can I have 12 soaps and a shampoo bottle, please. The money is with the dog." The shopkeeper looks inside the dog's mouth and to his surprise there is a 100 rupees note in its mouth. So he takes the money and puts the soap, shampoo and change in a bag, and then places it in the dog's mouth.
The shopkeeper is so impressed, and since it is the closing time, he decides to follow the dog. The dog is walking down the street, when it comes to the zebra crossing; it waits till the signal turns green. It walks across the road till the bus stop. It waits on the stop and looks up the timetable for the bus. The shopkeeper is totally out of his mind as the dog gets into the bus and sits on a vacant seat. The shopkeeper follows the dog. The dog waits for the conductor to come to its seat. It gives the change to the conductor and shows him the neck belt to keep the ticket. The shopkeeper is almost fainting at this sight and so are the other people in the bus.
The dog then moves to the front exit of the door and waits for the bus stop to arrive, looking outside. As soon as the stop is in sight, it wags its tail to inform the driver to stop. Then not even waiting for the bus stop to arrive the dog jumps out and runs to the house nearby.
It opens the big Iron Gate and rushes towards the door. As it approaches the door, it changes its mind and walks towards the garden. The dog walks up to the window and beats its head several times on the window. It then walks back to the door and waits. The shopkeeper maintaining his senses walks up to the door and watches a big guy open the door.
The guy starts beating, kicking and abusing the dog. The shopkeeper is surprised and runs to stop the guy. The shopkeeper questions the guy "What in the heaven are you doing? The dog is a genius, it could be famous in life." The guy responds, "You call this clever? This is the 3rd time in this week that the dog has forgotten the door keys."
Moral of the story:
You may continue to exceed onlookers expectations.
But will always fall short of the boss's expectation.
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Excel 2007 Macros Made Easy
Now you can take your Excel skills to the next level with help from this
hands-on guide. Excel 2007 Macros Made Easy shows you how to create, run, and revise macros to simplify repetitive tasks and store the instructions for complicated ones. You'll learn to use Visual Basic for Applications (VBA), add macros to the Excel toolbar, and share your macros with other users. Discover how easy it is to develop custom macros, save time, and boost productivity.
Table Of Contents:
Introduction
Chapter 1. Recording Macros
Chapter 2. Debugging Macros
Chapter 3. Creating Macros in Visual Basic
Chapter 4. Storing Macros
Chapter 5. Understanding Macro Commands
Chapter 6. Using Visual Basic Subroutines
Chapter 7. Creating Interactive Macros
Chapter 8. Using Macros to Format Cells
Chapter 9. Using Variables in Macros
Chapter 10. Creating if/then/else Routines
Chapter 11. Creating for/next Loops
Chapter 12. Adding Macro Buttons to Your Worksheets
Download
Marketing Slogans
1) Sign on a railway station at Patna:
Aana free, jaana free, pakde gaye to khana free.
2) Seen on a famous beauty parlor in Bombay:
Don't whistle at the girl going out from here. She may be your grandmother!
3) Seen on a bulletin board:
Success is relative. More the success, more the relatives.
4)Sign at a barber's saloon in Juhu, Bombay:
We need your heads to run our business.
5)A traffic slogan:
Don't let your kids drive if they are not old enough
-or else they never will be.....
6)Sign in a restaurant:
All drinking water in this establishment has been personally passed by the manager.
THE BEST ONE :
7) Its God's responsibility to forgive the terrorist organizations such as Jaish, Lashkar etc.
Its our responsibility to arrange the meeting between them and God.
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e-mail is strictly forbidden.
Singh is king
Each Friday night after work, Santa Singh would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a tandoori chicken and some meat kebabs. But, all of his neighbours were strict Catholics ... and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating chicken and meat on a Friday.
The delicious aroma from the grilled meats was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their Priest.
The Priest came to visit Santa, and suggested that he become a Catholic. After several classes and much study, Santa attended Mass ... and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, "You were born a Sikh, and raised a Sikh, but now dear, you are a Catholic."
Santa's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived.
The wonderful aroma of tandoori chicken and meat kebabs filled the neighborhood. The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors and, as he rushed into Santa's backyard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement.
There stood Santa, holding a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meats and chanted:
"Oye, you waz born a chicken, and you waz born a lamb,
you waz raised a chicken, and you waz raised a lamb
but now dears.... you are a potato and tomato"!
The power of choices
Once there was an emperor in the Far East who was growing old and knew it was coming time to choose his successor. Instead of choosing one of his assistants or one of his own children, he decided to do something different.
He called all the young people in the kingdom together one day. He said, "It is time for me to step down and to choose the next emperor. I have decided to choose one of you." The kids were shocked! But the emperor continued. "I am going to give each one of you a seed today. One seed. It is a very special seed. I want you to go home, plant the seed, water it and come back here one year from today with what you have grown from this one seed. I will then judge the plants that you bring to me, and the one I choose will be the next emperor of the kingdom!"
There was one boy named Ling who was there that day and he, like the others, received a seed. He went home and very excited and told his mother the whole story. She helped him get a pot and some planting soil, and he planted the seed and watered it carefully. Every day he would water it and watch to see if it had grown.
After about three weeks, some of the other youths began to talk about their seeds and the plants that were beginning to grow. Ling kept going home and checking his seed, but nothing ever grew. Three weeks, four weeks, five weeks went by. Still nothing.
By now others were talking about their plants but Ling didn't have a plant, and he felt like a failure. Six months went by, still nothing in Ling's pot. He just knew he had killed his seed. Everyone else had trees and tall plants, but he had nothing. Ling didn't say anything to his friends, however. He just kept waiting for his seed to grow.
A year finally went by and all the youths of the kingdom brought their plants to the emperor for inspection. Ling told his mother that he wasn't going to take an empty pot.
But she encouraged him to go, and to take his pot, and to be honest about what happened. Ling felt sick to his stomach, but he knew his mother was right. He took his empty pot to the palace.
When Ling arrived, he was amazed at the variety of plants grown by all the other youths. They were beautiful, in all shapes and sizes. Ling put his empty pot on the floor and many of the other kids laughed at him. A few felt sorry for him and just said, "Hey nice try."
When the emperor arrived, he surveyed the room and greeted the young people. Ling just tried to hide in the back. "My, what great plants, trees and flowers you have grown," said the emperor. "Today, one of you will be appointed the next emperor!"
All of a sudden, the emperor spotted Ling at the back of the room with his empty pot.
He ordered his guards to bring him to the front. Ling was terrified. "The emperor knows I'm a failure! Maybe he will have me killed!"
When Ling got to the front, the Emperor asked his name. "My name is Ling," he replied. All the kids were laughing and making fun of him. The emperor asked everyone to quiet down. He looked at Ling, and then announced to the crowd, "Behold your new emperor! His name is Ling!" Ling couldn't believe it. Ling couldn't even grow his seed. How could he be the new emperor?
Then the emperor said, "One year ago today, I gave everyone here a seed. I told you to take the seed, plant it, water it, and bring it back to me today. But I gave you all boiled seeds which would not grow. All of you, except Ling, have brought me trees and plants and flowers. When you found that the seed would not grow, you substituted another seed for the one I gave you. Ling was the only one with the courage and honesty to bring me a pot with my seed in it. Therefore, he is the one who will be the new emperor!"
“The highest courage is to dare to be yourself in the face of adversity. Choosing right over wrong, ethic over convenience, and truth over popularity ... these are choices that measure your life. Travel the path of integrity without looking back, for there is never a wrong time to do the right thing.”
Blaise Pascal
The power of a man's virtue should not be measured by his special efforts, but by his ordinary doings.
What do you deduce?
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson.
"And what do you deduce from that?"
Watson ponders for a minute. "Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"
The obedient sindhi wife
There was an sindhi immigrant man who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real "miser" when it came to his money.
Just before he died, he said to his sindhi wife..."When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."
And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he died, she would put all of the money into the casket with him.
Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there - dressed in white, (what else), and her best friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertaker got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a moment!"
She had a small metal box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertaker locked the casket down and they rolled it away. So her friend said,
"Girl, I know you were not fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband."
The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I'm a loyal sindhi & I cannot go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in the casket with him."
You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!?!?!?"
"I sure did," said the wife.. "I got it all together, put it into my account, I wrote him a check.... If he can cash it, then he can spend it .
Quote
A beautiful relationship does not depend upon how good we understand someone but on how well we avoid misunderstandings!
Make a difference!
A friend of ours was walking down a deserted Mexican beach at sunset. As he walked along, he began to see another man in the distance. As he grew closer, he noticed that the local native kept leaning down, picking something up, and throwing it out into the water. Time and again he kept hurling things out into the ocean. As our friend approached even closer, he noticed that the man was picking up starfish that had been washed up on the beach and, one at a time, he was throwing them back into the water. Our friend was puzzled. He approached the man and said "Good evening, Friend. I was wondering what you are doing."
"I'm throwing these starfish back into the ocean. You see, it's low tide right now and all of these starfish have been washed up onto the shore. If I don't throw them back into the sea, they'll die up here from lack of oxygen."
"I understand," our friend replied, "but there must be thousands of starfish on this beach. You can't possibly get to all of them. There are simply too many. And don't you realize it is probably happening on hundreds of other beaches all up and down the coast. Can't you see that you can't possibly make a difference?"
The local native smiled, bent down, and picked up yet another starfish, and as he threw it back into the sea, he replied, "Made a difference to that one!"
Are you making a difference?
Based on the original, by Loren Eiseley - From: Chicken soup for the soul
Thought for the day and every day thereafter
There was a little boy visiting his grandparents on their farm. He was given a slingshot to play with out in the woods. He practiced in the woods, but he could never hit the target.
Getting A little discouraged, he headed back for dinner. As he was walking back he saw Grandma's pet duck. Just out of impulse, he let the slingshot fly, hit the duck Square in the head, and killed it. He was shocked and grieved.
In a panic, he hid the dead duck in the wood pile, only to see His sister watching! Sally had seen it all, but she said nothing.
After lunch the next day Grandma said, "Sally, let's wash the Dishes." But Sally said, "Grandma, Johnny told me he wanted to help in The kitchen." Then she whispered to him, "Remember the duck?" So Johnny did the dishes.
Later that day, Grandpa asked if the children wanted to go Fishing and Grandma said, "I'm sorry but I need Sally to help make Supper."
Sally just smiled and said," Well that's all right because Johnny told me he wanted to help." She whispered again, "Remember the duck?" So Sally Went fishing and Johnny stayed to help.
After several days of Johnny doing both his chores and Sally's, He finally couldn't stand it any longer. He came to Grandma and confessed that he had killed the duck.
Grandma knelt down, gave him a hug, and said, "Sweetheart, I know. You see, I was standing at the window and I saw the whole thing, but because I love you, I forgave you. I was just wondering how long you would let Sally make a slave of you."
**********
Thought for the day and every day thereafter?
Whatever is in your past, whatever you have done...? And the devil Keeps throwing it up in your face (lying, cheating, debt, fear, bad Habits, hatred, anger, bitterness, etc.) ....whatever it is....You need to know that God was standing at the window and He saw the whole thing..... He has seen your whole life.
He wants you to know that He loves you and that you are forgiven.
He's just wondering how long you will let the devil make a slave of you.
The great thing about God is that when you ask for forgiveness, He Not only forgives you, but He forgets. It is by God's grace and Mercy that we are saved.
Go ahead and make the difference in someone's life today. Share this with a friend and always remember: God is at the window.
For all TGIF lovers
A business man got on an elevator in a building. When he entered the elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by saying, "T-G-I-F" (letters only).
He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T" (letters only)."
She looked at him, puzzled, and said, "T-G-I-F" again.
He acknowledged her remark again by answering, "S-H-I-T."
The blond was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly "T-G-I-F" another time.
The man smiled back to her and once again replied with a quizzical expression, "S-H-I-T."
The blond finally decided to explain things, and this time she said, "T-G-I-F, Thank Goodness It's Friday, get it?"
The man answered, "Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday."
Exam based on twenty twenty format!
Cricket has reached exciting levels with the introduction of twenty twenty. If the same thing was Infused into exams, it would have been something like this :-
1. Reduce exam duration to 1 hr and marks to 50.
2. Introduce strategic break after 30 minutes.
3. Give free hit, that is a chance for students to frame their own questions and write answers.
4. 1st 15 minutes power play, that is no invigilator in the exam hall.
(Wow I will love this!)
5. Introduce fair play awards.
6.Cheer girls to cheer for every correct answer written!
Men Are Afraid Of - 3 Answers
Three answers men are afraid of
1. (Whatever)
Men: What to have for dinner?
Women: Whatever...
Men: Why don't we have steamboat?
Women: Don't want, once i ate steamboat and later got pimples on my face.
Men: Alright, why don't we have Si Chuan cuisine.
Women: Yesterday we ate Si Chuan, why eat it today again?
Men: Hm..... I suggest we have seafood
Women: Seafood is no good, i ate it once, then later I got diarrhea.
Men: Then what you suggest?
Women: Whatever..
2. (Anything)
Men: So what should we do now?
Women: Anything
Men: How about watching movie? It's been a Long time since we
watched movie.
Women: Watching movie is no good, it's waste time.
Men: How about bowling, or do some exercises?
Women: Exercise in such hot day?
Men: Then let's find a cafe and have coffee.
Women: Drinking coffee will affect my sleep
Men: Then what you suggest?
Women: Anything
3. (You decide)
Men: Then we just go home
Women: You decide
Men: Let take bus, I will accompany you
Women: Bus is dirty and crowded. I don't want.
Men: Ok we will take a Taxi
Women: Not worth it... for such a short distance
Men: Alright, then we walk.
Women: What! Walk with an empty stomach?
Men: Then what you suggest?
Women: You decide
Men: Let's have dinner first
Women: Whatever...
Men: What to eat?
Women: Anything
Men: What to have for dinner?
Women: Whatever...
Men: Why don't we have steamboat?
Women: Don't want, once i ate steamboat and later got pimples on my face.
Men: Alright, why don't we have Si Chuan cuisine.
Women: Yesterday we ate Si Chuan, why eat it today again?
Men: Hm..... I suggest we have seafood
Women: Seafood is no good, i ate it once, then later I got diarrhea.
Men: Then what you suggest?
Women: Whatever..
2. (Anything)
Men: So what should we do now?
Women: Anything
Men: How about watching movie? It's been a Long time since we
watched movie.
Women: Watching movie is no good, it's waste time.
Men: How about bowling, or do some exercises?
Women: Exercise in such hot day?
Men: Then let's find a cafe and have coffee.
Women: Drinking coffee will affect my sleep
Men: Then what you suggest?
Women: Anything
3. (You decide)
Men: Then we just go home
Women: You decide
Men: Let take bus, I will accompany you
Women: Bus is dirty and crowded. I don't want.
Men: Ok we will take a Taxi
Women: Not worth it... for such a short distance
Men: Alright, then we walk.
Women: What! Walk with an empty stomach?
Men: Then what you suggest?
Women: You decide
Men: Let's have dinner first
Women: Whatever...
Men: What to eat?
Women: Anything
Attitude
| After an international beer conference in London , all the world's top brewery bosses decide to go out for a beer together. The Chairman of Budweiser says, 'I'd like the most refreshing beer in the world, 'The King of Beers': give me a Budweiser.' The bartender takes a bottle from the shelf and opens it for him. The Chairman of Guinness says, 'I'd like the only beer in the world worth really, truly waiting for: give me a Guinness.' The bartender serves him. The Chairman of Carlsberg says, ' I would like the world's best beer, drunk in more countries than any other: give me a Carlsberg.' He gets it. Vijay Mallya sits down, looks around and says, 'Just give me a Coke.' The bartender looks at him, shrugs, and serves him. The other brewery bosses laugh loudly and say, 'Hey Vijay, how come you aren't drinking a Kingfisher?' 'Listen,' says Vijay Mallya, 'If you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I ' !!! This is called Attitude !! |
The Secret of a Happy Married Couple
Once upon a time a married couple celebrated their 25th marriage anniversary. They had become famous in the city for not having a single conflict in their period of 25 years. Local newspaper editors had gathered at the occasion to find out the secret of their well known "happy going marriage".
Editor: Sir. It's amazingly unbelievable. How did you make this possible? "
Husband recalling his old honeymoon days said: We had been to Shimla for honeymoon after marriage. Having selected the horse riding finally, we both started the ride on different horses. My horse was pretty okay but the horse on which my wife was riding seemed to be a crazy one. On the way ahead, that horse jumped suddenly, making my wife topple over. Recovering her position from the ground, she patted the horse's back and said "This is your first time".
She again climbed the horse and continued with the ride. After a while, it happened again. This time she again kept calm and said "This is your second time" and continued.
When the horse dropped her third time, she silently took out the revolver from the purse and shot the horse dead!!
I shouted at my wife: "What did you do you psycho. You killed the poor animal. Are you crazy?"
She gave a silent look and said: "This is your first time!!!"
Husband: "That's it. We are happy ever after."
New Match Equations
Craig Damrauer has created some pretty clever New Math equations.
vist http://bitsandpieces.us/
Give Value To Relationships
A man stopped at a flower shop for ordering some flowers to be sent as a gift to his mother who lived two hundred miles away.
As he got out of his car he noticed a young girl sitting on the curb sobbing. He asked her what was wrong and she replied, "I wanted to buy a red rose for my mother. But I only have seventy-five cents, and a rose costs two dollars."
The man smiled and said, "Come on in with me. I'll buy you a rose." He bought the little girl her rose and ordered his own mother's flowers.
As they were leaving he offered the girl a ride home. She said, "Yes, please! You can take me to my mother."
She directed him to a cemetery, where she placed the rose on a freshly dug grave. The man returned to the flower shop, canceled the gifting order, picked up a bouquet and drove the two hundred miles to his mother's house.
At times we take many such relationships with our family and friends for granted. Learn to value them.
Best Wishes for Mothers Day!
Bill Gates' 11 Rules of Life...
Birthday Clock
Click on 'Birthday Calculator.' It tells you how many hours and how many seconds you have been alive on this earth and when you were probably conceived.
After you've finished reading the info, click again, and see what the moon looked like the night you were born. Who says our time clocks aren't ticking..
Birthday Calculator
Deadlock situation...!!
|
Typical Indian Mom..
A young Indian man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and that he is going to get married. He says, "Ma, I'm going to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry." The mother agrees.
The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. Later, he says, "Okay Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry." She immediately replies, "The one on the right."
"That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?"
The Indian mother replies, "I don't like her"
J
Bathtub Test
During a visit to the mental hospital, one newspaper reporter asked the
Director 'How do you determine whether or not a patient should be admitted
to the hospital.'
'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we give a
teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him to empty the
bathtub.'
'Oh, I understand,' the reporter said. 'A normal person would use the
bucket because it's bigger than the spoon
or the teacup.'
'No. the Director continued..
'A normal person would pull the drain plug. Well....... Do you want a bed
near the window?'
Director 'How do you determine whether or not a patient should be admitted
to the hospital.'
'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we give a
teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him to empty the
bathtub.'
'Oh, I understand,' the reporter said. 'A normal person would use the
bucket because it's bigger than the spoon
or the teacup.'
'No. the Director continued..
'A normal person would pull the drain plug. Well....... Do you want a bed
near the window?'
Did you ever realize this about life
|
The 99 Club
Once upon a time, there lived a King who, despite his luxurious lifestyle, was neither happy nor content.
One day, the King came upon a Servant who was singing happily while he worked. This fascinated the King; why was he, the Supreme Ruler of the Land, unhappy and gloomy, while a lowly Servant had so much joy. The King asked the Servant, "Why are you so happy?"
The Servant replied, "Your Majesty, I am nothing but a Servant, but my family and I don't need too much - just a Roof over our heads and warm food to fill our tummies."
The King was not satisfied with that reply.
Later in the day, he sought the advice of his most trusted Advisor. After hearing the King's woes and the Servant's story, the Advisor said, "Your Majesty, I believe that the Servant has not been made part of The 99 Club."
"The 99 Club? And what exactly is that?" the King inquired.
The Advisor replied, "Your Majesty, to truly know what The 99 Club is place 99 Gold Coins in a bag and leave it at this Servant's doorstep."
When the Servant saw the bag, he took it into his house. When he opened the bag, he let out a great shout of joy... so many Gold Coins!
He began to count them. After several counts, he was at last convinced that there were 99 Coins.
He wondered, "What could've happened to that last Gold Coin? Surely, no one would leave 99 Coins!"
He looked everywhere he could, but that final Coin was elusive. Finally, exhausted, he decided that he was going to have to work harder than ever to earn that Gold Coin and complete his collection.
From that day, the Servant's life was changed. He was overworked, horribly grumpy, and castigated his family for not helping him make that 100th Gold Coin. He stopped singing while he worked.
Witnessing this drastic transformation, the King was puzzled. When he sought his Advisor's help, the Advisor said, "Your Majesty, the Servant has now officially joined The 99 Club."
He continued, "The 99 Club is a name given to those people who have enough to be happy but are never contented, because they're always yearning and striving for that extra "1" telling to themselves: "Let me get that one final thing and then I will be happy for life."
We can be happy, even with very little in our lives, but the minute we're given something bigger and better, we want even more!
We lose our sleep, our happiness, we hurt the people around us; all these as a Price for our growing needs and desires.
That's what joining The 99 Club is all about."
Money has no memory; Experience has
Money has no memory. Experience has. You will never know what the total cost of your education was, but for a lifetime you will recall and relive the memories of schools and colleges. Few years from now, you will forget the amount you paid to settle the hospitalization bill, but will ever cherish having saved your mother's life or the life you get to live with the just born. You won't remember the cost of your honeymoon, but to the last breath remember the experiences of the bliss of togetherness. Money has no memory. Experience has.
Good times and bad times, times of prosperity and times of poverty, times when the future looked so secure and times when you didn't know from where the tomorrow will come… life has been in one way or the other a roller-coaster ride for everyone. Beyond all that abundance and beyond all that deprivation, what remains is the memory of experiences. Sometimes the wallet was full… sometimes even the pocket was empty. There was enough and you still had reasons to frown. There wasn't enough and you still had reasons to smile. Today, you can look back with tears of gratitude for all the times you had laughed together, and also look back with a smile at all the times you cried alone. All in all, life filled you with experiences to create a history of your own self, and you alone can remember them all.
The first time you balanced yourself on your cycle without support…
The first time she said 'yes' and it was two years since you proposed…
The first cry… the first steps… the first word… the first kiss… all of your child…
The first gift you bought for your parents and the first gift your daughter gave you…
The first award… the first public appreciation… the first stage performance…
And the list is endless… Experiences, with timeless memory…
No denying that anything that's material cost money, but the fact remains the cost of the experience will be forgotten, but the experience never.
So, what if it's economic recession? Let it be, but let there not be a recession to the quality of your life. You can still take your parents, if not on a pilgrimage, at least to the local temple. You can still play with your children, if not on an international holiday, at least in the local park. It doesn't cost money to lie down or to take a loved one onto your lap. Nice time to train the employees, create leadership availability and be ready for the wonderful times when they arrive. Hey! Aspects like your health, knowledge development and spiritual growth are not economy dependent.
Time will pass… economy will revive… currency will soon be in current… and in all this, I don't want you to look back and realise you did nothing but stayed in gloom. Recession can make you lose out on money. Let it not make you lose out on experiences… If you are not happy with what you have, no matter how much more you have, you will still not be happy.
Make a statement with the way you live your life: How I feel has nothing to do with how much I have.
The Struggle
A man found a cocoon for a butterfly. One day a small opening appeared, he sat and watched the butterfly for several hours as it struggled to force its body through the little hole. Then it seemed to stop making any progress. It appeared as if it had gotten as far as it could and could go no farther. Then the man decided to help the butterfly.
He took a pair of scissors and snipped the remaining bit of the cocoon. The butterfly then emerged easily. Something was strange. The butterfly had a swollen body and shriveled wings. The man continued to watch the butterfly because he expected at any moment, the wings would enlarge and expand to be able to support the body, which would contract in time. Neither happened. In fact, the butterfly spent the rest of its life crawling around with a swollen body and deformed wings. It was never able to fly.
What the man in his kindness and haste did not understand, was that the restricting cocoon and the struggle required for the butterfly to get through the small opening of the cocoon are God`s way of forcing fluid from the body of the butterfly into its wings so that it would be ready for flight once it achieved its freedom from the cocoon. Sometimes struggles are exactly what we need in our life.
If God allowed us to go through all our life without any obstacles, that would cripple us. We would not be as strong as what we could have been. Not only that, we could never fly.
Inspiring and Motivational
Keep the game going !
The Japanese have always loved fresh fish. But the water close to Japan has not held many fish for decades.
So to feed the Japanese population, fishing boats got bigger and went farther than ever. The farther the fishermen went, the longer it took to bring the fish. If the return trip took more time, the fish were not fresh. To solve this problem, fish companies installed freezers on their boats. They would catch the fish and freeze them at sea.
Freezers allowed the boats to go farther and stay longer. However, the Japanese could taste the difference between fresh and frozen fish. And they did not like the taste of frozen fish.
The frozen fish brought a lower price. So, fishing companies installed fish tanks. They would catch the fish and stuff them in the tanks, fin to fin. After a little thrashing around, they were tired, dull, and lost their fresh-fish taste. The fishing industry faced an impending crisis!
But today, they get fresh-tasting fish to Japan.
How did they manage? To keep the fish tasting fresh, the Japanese fishing companies still put the fish in the tanks but with a small shark.
The fish are challenged and hence are constantly on the move. The challenge they face keeps them alive and fresh!
Basically in our lives, sharks are new challenges to keep us active. If you are steadily conquering challenges, you are happy. Your challenges keep you energized. Don't create success and revel in it in a state of inertia.
You have the resources, skills and abilities to make a difference. Put a shark in your tank and see how far you can really go!
"Weakness of attitude becomes weakness of character" - Albert Einstein
Author: Unknown
Clock with 9's
Having 9's does not make it special.....
U can design a clock having only 9 with 9/9 (=1),
(9+9)/9(=2), (9+9+9)/9(=3) and so on...
What makes it really amazing is that...
it has only 3 9's in each digit representation...
It's really great calculations and design...
Military/NATO/Letter time zones
The following table lists the Military time zone abbreviations, click on the time zone links for more information about individual time zones and where they are used.The basis for this is Z - Zulu time - Zero meridian time - the same as UTC It's a convention to assign letters to time zones, where Z= Zero meridian, and Zulu is the word that represents the letter Z, when it's used in communication. It is sometimes used in the US Military and NATO in conjunction with 24 hour clocks, and is also popular to use in movies to reference time.
Other letters/words are used for other time zones than UTC, most based on the right or reverse order of the Alphabet. Note that 'J' is skipped ('J' - Juliet refers to current local time of the observer). There are 25 time zones defined here, but 26 letters in the English alphabet.
Visit Time and Date for more information.
Life after National ID
Operator:' Thank you for calling Pizza Hut . May I have your...'
Customer:'Helloo, can I order..'
Operator:'Can I have your multi UAE identity card number first, Sir?'
Customer:' It's eh..., hold..........on......889861356102049998-45-54610'
Operator:'OK... you're... Mr. Singh and you're calling from 17 Jalan Kayu. Your home number is 4094! 2366, your office 76452302 and your mobile is 0142662566. Which number are you calling from now Sir?'
Customer:' Home! How did you get all my phone numbers?
Operator:' We are connected to the system Sir'
Customer: 'May I order your Seafood Pizza...'
Operator :'That's not a good idea Sir'
Customer: 'How come?'
Operator :'According to your medical records, you have high blood pressure and even higher cholesterol level Sir'
Customer:'What?... What do you recommend then?'
Operator :'Try our Low Fat Ho kkien Mee Pizza. You'll like it'
Customer:'How do you know for sure?'
Operator :'You borrowed a book entitled 'Popular Hokkien Dishes' from the National Library last week Sir'
Customer:'OK I give up... Give me three family size ones then, how much will that cost?'
Operator :'That should be enough for your family of 10, Sir. The total is $49.99'
Customer:'Can I pay by credit card?'
Operator :'I'm afraid you have to pay us cash, Sir. Your credit card is over the limit and you owe your bank $3,720.55 since October last year. That's not including the late payment charges on your housing loan, Sir.'
Customer:'I guess I have to run to the neighbourhood ATM and withdraw some cash before your guy arrives'
Operator :'You can't Sir. Based on the records, you've reached your daily limit on machine withdrawal today'
Customer:'Never mind just send the pizzas, I'll have the cash ready. How long is it gonna take anyway?'
Operator : 'About 45 minutes Sir, but if you can't wait you can always come and collect it on your motorcycle...'
Customer:'What!'
Operator :'According t o the details in system ,you own a Scooter,...registration number 1123...'
Customer:'????'
Operator :'Is there anything else Sir?'
Customer:'Nothing... by the way... aren't you giving me that 3 free bottles of cola as advertised?'
Operator : 'We normally would Sir, but based on your records you're also diabetic....... '
Customer:#$$^%&$@$% ^
Operator :'Better watch your language Sir. Remember on 15th July 1987 you were convicted of using abusive language on a policeman...?'
;-@.. lolllllllzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz..... :-)
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