Is ur dad home

A farmer got in his truck and drove to a neighbouring farm and knocked at the farmhouse door.

A young boy, about nine, opened the door.

"Is your Dad home"? the farmer asked.
"Sorry mate, he isn't" the boy replied. "He went into town."
"Well," said the farmer, "Is your mum here"?
"No, sir, she's not here either. She went into town with Dad."

"How about your brother, Greg? Is he here"?
"He went with Mum and Dad."

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to theother and mumbling to himself.

"Is there anything I can do for ya"? the boy asked politely. "I know where all the tools are if you want to borrow one. Or maybe, I could take a message for Dad."

"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Greg getting my daughter pregnant."

The boy considered for a moment.
"You'd have to talk to Dad about that," he finally conceded.
"If it helps you any, I know that Dad charges $200 for the bull and $150 for the pig, but I really don't know how much he gets for Greg.

Mathematics - Good one

A little boy was doing his maths homework.

He said to himself,

"Two plus five, the son of bitch is seven.

Three plus six, the son of bitch is nine..."

His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"

The little boy answered, "I'm doing my maths homework, Mom."

"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.

"Yes," he answered.

Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you
teaching my son in maths?"

The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."

The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, the
son of bitch is four?"





After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them
was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four ...

Man, wife and dog - Ultimate

A man was leaving a cafe with his morning coffee when he noticed a mostunusual funeral procession A funeral coffin was followed by a second one about 50 feet behind the first. Behind the second coffin was a solitary man Walking with a black dog. Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking in single line. The man couldn't stand his curiosity.

He approached the man walking with the dog, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this with so many of you walking in single line. Whose funeral is it?"

The man replied, "Well, that first coffin is for my wife."

"What happened to her?"

The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second coffin?"

The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog attacked and killed her also."

A thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men. Then the first one asks in excitement, "Can I borrow the dog?"

The man replied, "Join the queue."

Daughter-in-laws revenge

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the Man's face was severely burned.

The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin.

However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the Skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face.

He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty!

One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice.

He said, 'Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?'

'My darling,' she replied,' I get all the thanks I need - every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.'

Hospitality

In one of the towns that she was to visit, she was booked to stay in a small guest house owned by the local schoolmaster. She was concerned as to whether the guest house had a suitable toilet. She wrote to the schoolmaster inquiring about the facilities like Western Closet 'WC'.

The school master, not having heard the term, asked the local priest if he knew the meaning of WC. Together they pondered possible meanings of the letters. The priest, convinced the schoolmaster that the lady wanted to know about the local church, which they called Western Chappel.

So the schoolmaster wrote the following reply:

Dear Madam,

I take great pleasure in informing you that the WC is located 9 miles from the house in the middle of a grove of pine trees, surrounded by lovely grounds. It is capable of holding 229 people and is open on Sundays and Thursdays. This is an unfortunate situation especially if you are in the habit of going daily. As many people are expected on each of these two days, I suggest you arrive early. Those who do not often have to remain standing throughout. It may be of some interest to you that my friend's daughter was married in the WC as it was there that she met her husband. It was a wonderful event. There were 10 people in every seat.

It was wonderful to see the expressions on their faces. My friend's wife, sadly, has been ill and unable to go recently. It has been almost a year since she went last and this pains her greatly.

You will be pleased to know that many people carry their lunch and make a day of it. Others prefer to wait till the last minute and arrive just in time. I would recommend your ladyship plan to go on a Thursday as there is an organ accompaniment. The acoustics are excellent and even the most delicate sounds can be heard everywhere.

The newest addition is a bell which rings every time a person enters. Funds are being collected to provide plush seats for all since many feel it is long needed. I look forward to escorting you there myself and seating you in a place where you can be seen by all.

With deepest regards,

The Schoolmaster.

The woman fainted reading the reply....

Expectations

A shopkeeper watching over his shop is really surprised when he sees a dog coming inside the shop. He shoos him away. But later, the dog is back inside again. So he goes over to the dog and notices that it has a note in its mouth.

He takes the note and it reads, "Can I have 12 soaps and a shampoo bottle, please. The money is with the dog." The shopkeeper looks inside the dog's mouth and to his surprise there is a 100 rupees note in its mouth. So he takes the money and puts the soap, shampoo and change in a bag, and then places it in the dog's mouth.

The shopkeeper is so impressed, and since it is the closing time, he decides to follow the dog. The dog is walking down the street, when it comes to the zebra crossing; it waits till the signal turns green. It walks across the road till the bus stop. It waits on the stop and looks up the timetable for the bus. The shopkeeper is totally out of his mind as the dog gets into the bus and sits on a vacant seat. The shopkeeper follows the dog. The dog waits for the conductor to come to its seat. It gives the change to the conductor and shows him the neck belt to keep the ticket. The shopkeeper is almost fainting at this sight and so are the other people in the bus.

The dog then moves to the front exit of the door and waits for the bus stop to arrive, looking outside. As soon as the stop is in sight, it wags its tail to inform the driver to stop. Then not even waiting for the bus stop to arrive the dog jumps out and runs to the house nearby.

It opens the big Iron Gate and rushes towards the door. As it approaches the door, it changes its mind and walks towards the garden. The dog walks up to the window and beats its head several times on the window. It then walks back to the door and waits. The shopkeeper maintaining his senses walks up to the door and watches a big guy open the door.

The guy starts beating, kicking and abusing the dog. The shopkeeper is surprised and runs to stop the guy. The shopkeeper questions the guy "What in the heaven are you doing? The dog is a genius, it could be famous in life." The guy responds, "You call this clever? This is the 3rd time in this week that the dog has forgotten the door keys."

Moral of the story:
You may continue to exceed onlookers expectations.
But will always fall short of the boss's expectation.
---

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are not the intended recipient (or have received this e-mail in error)
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Marketing Slogans

1) Sign on a railway station at Patna:
Aana free, jaana free, pakde gaye to khana free.

2) Seen on a famous beauty parlor in Bombay:
Don't whistle at the girl going out from here. She may be your grandmother!

3) Seen on a bulletin board:
Success is relative. More the success, more the relatives.

4)Sign at a barber's saloon in Juhu, Bombay:
We need your heads to run our business.

5)A traffic slogan:
Don't let your kids drive if they are not old enough
-or else they never will be.....

6)Sign in a restaurant:
All drinking water in this establishment has been personally passed by the manager.

THE BEST ONE :
7) Its God's responsibility to forgive the terrorist organizations such as Jaish, Lashkar etc.
Its our responsibility to arrange the meeting between them and God.
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are not the intended recipient (or have received this e-mail in error)
please notify the sender immediately and destroy this e-mail. Any
unauthorized copying, disclosure or distribution of the material in this
e-mail is strictly forbidden.

Singh is king

Each Friday night after work, Santa Singh would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a tandoori chicken and some meat kebabs. But, all of his neighbours were strict Catholics ... and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating chicken and meat on a Friday.

The delicious aroma from the grilled meats was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their Priest.
The Priest came to visit Santa, and suggested that he become a Catholic. After several classes and much study, Santa attended Mass ... and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, "You were born a Sikh, and raised a Sikh, but now dear, you are a Catholic."

Santa's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived.
The wonderful aroma of tandoori chicken and meat kebabs filled the neighborhood. The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors and, as he rushed into Santa's backyard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement.

There stood Santa, holding a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meats and chanted:
"Oye, you waz born a chicken, and you waz born a lamb,
you waz raised a chicken, and you waz raised a lamb
but now dears.... you are a potato and tomato"!

What do you deduce?

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson.

"And what do you deduce from that?"

Watson ponders for a minute. "Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"

Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"

The obedient sindhi wife

There was an sindhi immigrant man who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real "miser" when it came to his money.

Just before he died, he said to his sindhi wife..."When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."

And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he died, she would put all of the money into the casket with him.

Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there - dressed in white, (what else), and her best friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertaker got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a moment!"

She had a small metal box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertaker locked the casket down and they rolled it away. So her friend said,

"Girl, I know you were not fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband."

The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I'm a loyal sindhi & I cannot go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in the casket with him."

You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!?!?!?"

"I sure did," said the wife.. "I got it all together, put it into my account, I wrote him a check.... If he can cash it, then he can spend it .

For all TGIF lovers

A business man got on an elevator in a building. When he entered the elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by saying, "T-G-I-F" (letters only).

He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T" (letters only)."

She looked at him, puzzled, and said, "T-G-I-F" again.

He acknowledged her remark again by answering, "S-H-I-T."

The blond was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly "T-G-I-F" another time.

The man smiled back to her and once again replied with a quizzical expression, "S-H-I-T."

The blond finally decided to explain things, and this time she said, "T-G-I-F, Thank Goodness It's Friday, get it?"

The man answered, "Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday."

Men Are Afraid Of - 3 Answers

Three answers men are afraid of

1. (Whatever)
Men: What to have for dinner?
Women: Whatever...
Men: Why don't we have steamboat?
Women: Don't want, once i ate steamboat and later got pimples on my face.
Men: Alright, why don't we have Si Chuan cuisine.
Women: Yesterday we ate Si Chuan, why eat it today again?
Men: Hm..... I suggest we have seafood
Women: Seafood is no good, i ate it once, then later I got diarrhea.
Men: Then what you suggest?
Women: Whatever..

2. (Anything)
Men: So what should we do now?
Women: Anything
Men: How about watching movie? It's been a Long time since we
watched movie.
Women: Watching movie is no good, it's waste time.
Men: How about bowling, or do some exercises?
Women: Exercise in such hot day?
Men: Then let's find a cafe and have coffee.
Women: Drinking coffee will affect my sleep
Men: Then what you suggest?
Women: Anything

3. (You decide)
Men: Then we just go home
Women: You decide
Men: Let take bus, I will accompany you
Women: Bus is dirty and crowded. I don't want.
Men: Ok we will take a Taxi
Women: Not worth it... for such a short distance
Men: Alright, then we walk.
Women: What! Walk with an empty stomach?
Men: Then what you suggest?
Women: You decide
Men: Let's have dinner first
Women: Whatever...
Men: What to eat?
Women: Anything

Attitude

After an international beer conference in London , all the world's top brewery bosses decide to go out for a beer together. The Chairman of Budweiser says, 'I'd like the most refreshing beer in the world, 'The King of Beers': give me a Budweiser.' The bartender takes a bottle from the shelf and opens it for him. The Chairman of Guinness says, 'I'd like the only beer in the world worth really, truly waiting for: give me a Guinness.' The bartender serves him. The Chairman of Carlsberg says, ' I would like the world's best beer, drunk in more countries than any other: give me a Carlsberg.' He gets it. Vijay Mallya sits down, looks around and says, 'Just give me a Coke.' The bartender looks at him, shrugs, and serves him. The other brewery bosses laugh loudly and say, 'Hey Vijay, how come you aren't drinking a Kingfisher?' 'Listen,' says Vijay Mallya, 'If you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I ' !!! This is called Attitude !!

The Secret of a Happy Married Couple

Once upon a time a married couple celebrated their 25th marriage anniversary. They had become famous in the city for not having a single conflict in their period of 25 years. Local newspaper editors had gathered at the occasion to find out the secret of their well known "happy going marriage".

Editor: Sir. It's amazingly unbelievable. How did you make this possible? "

Husband recalling his old honeymoon days said: We had been to Shimla for honeymoon after marriage. Having selected the horse riding finally, we both started the ride on different horses. My horse was pretty okay but the horse on which my wife was riding seemed to be a crazy one. On the way ahead, that horse jumped suddenly, making my wife topple over. Recovering her position from the ground, she patted the horse's back and said "This is your first time".

She again climbed the horse and continued with the ride. After a while, it happened again. This time she again kept calm and said "This is your second time" and continued.

When the horse dropped her third time, she silently took out the revolver from the purse and shot the horse dead!!

I shouted at my wife: "What did you do you psycho. You killed the poor animal. Are you crazy?"

She gave a silent look and said: "This is your first time!!!"

Husband: "That's it. We are happy ever after."

Deadlock situation...!!

Boss said to secretary: For a week we will go abroad, so make arrangement. Secretary make call to Husband: For a week my boss and I will be going abroad, you look after yourself. Husband make call to secret lover: My wife is going abroad for a week, so lets spend the week together. Secret lover make call to small boy whom she is giving private tution: I have work for a week, so you need not come for class. Small boy make call to his grandfather: Grandpa, for a week I don't have class 'coz my teacher is busy. Lets spend the week together. Grandpa(the 1st boss ;) ) make call to his secretary: This week I am spending my time with my grandson. We cannot attend that meeting. Secretary make call to her husband: This week my boss has some work, we cancelled our trip. Husband make call to secret lover: We cannot spend this week together, my wife has cancelled her trip. Secret lover make call to small boy whom she is giving private tution: This week we will have class as usual. Small boy make call to his grandfather: Grandpa, my teacher said this week I have to attend class. Sorry I can't give you company. Grandpa make call to his secretary: Don't worry this week we will attend that meeting, so make arrangement .

Bathtub Test

During a visit to the mental hospital, one newspaper reporter asked the
Director 'How do you determine whether or not a patient should be admitted
to the hospital.'

'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we give a
teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him to empty the
bathtub.'

'Oh, I understand,' the reporter said. 'A normal person would use the
bucket because it's bigger than the spoon
or the teacup.'

'No. the Director continued..


'A normal person would pull the drain plug. Well....... Do you want a bed
near the window?'

Life after National ID

Operator:' Thank you for calling Pizza Hut . May I have your...'
Customer:'Helloo, can I order..'
Operator:'Can I have your multi UAE identity card number first, Sir?'
Customer:' It's eh..., hold..........on......889861356102049998-45-54610'
Operator:'OK... you're... Mr. Singh and you're calling from 17 Jalan Kayu. Your home number is 4094! 2366, your office 76452302 and your mobile is 0142662566. Which number are you calling from now Sir?'
Customer:' Home! How did you get all my phone numbers?
Operator:' We are connected to the system Sir'
Customer: 'May I order your Seafood Pizza...'
Operator :'That's not a good idea Sir'
Customer: 'How come?'
Operator :'According to your medical records, you have high blood pressure and even higher cholesterol level Sir'
Customer:'What?... What do you recommend then?'
Operator :'Try our Low Fat Ho kkien Mee Pizza. You'll like it'
Customer:'How do you know for sure?'
Operator :'You borrowed a book entitled 'Popular Hokkien Dishes' from the National Library last week Sir'
Customer:'OK I give up... Give me three family size ones then, how much will that cost?'
Operator :'That should be enough for your family of 10, Sir. The total is $49.99'
Customer:'Can I pay by credit card?'
Operator :'I'm afraid you have to pay us cash, Sir. Your credit card is over the limit and you owe your bank $3,720.55 since October last year. That's not including the late payment charges on your housing loan, Sir.'
Customer:'I guess I have to run to the neighbourhood ATM and withdraw some cash before your guy arrives'
Operator :'You can't Sir. Based on the records, you've reached your daily limit on machine withdrawal today'
Customer:'Never mind just send the pizzas, I'll have the cash ready. How long is it gonna take anyway?'
Operator : 'About 45 minutes Sir, but if you can't wait you can always come and collect it on your motorcycle...'
Customer:'What!'
Operator :'According t o the details in system ,you own a Scooter,...registration number 1123...'
Customer:'????'
Operator :'Is there anything else Sir?'
Customer:'Nothing... by the way... aren't you giving me that 3 free bottles of cola as advertised?'
Operator : 'We normally would Sir, but based on your records you're also diabetic....... '
Customer:#$$^%&$@$% ^
Operator :'Better watch your language Sir. Remember on 15th July 1987 you were convicted of using abusive language on a policeman...?'
;-@.. lolllllllzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz..... :-)

A gift to Mom

Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered. Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who lived far away in another city.
The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama."
The second said, "I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the house."
The third said "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."
The fourth said, "You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this preacher who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took twenty preachers 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it was worth it. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."
The other brothers were impressed. After the holidays Mom sent out her thank you notes. "She wrote: "Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."
"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."
"Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."
"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you."

Blonde Cop and Driver

A blonde police officer stops a blonde motorist and asks for her driving license.The driver searches around in her handbag but can’t find it. She says to the cop, “I must have left it at home officer.”The cop says, “Well, do you have any kind of identification?” The motorist searches around in her bag again, and finds a mirror.She looks at it and says to the cop, “All I have is this picture of myself.” The cop says, “Let me see it, then.”So the blonde motorist gives the mirror to the blonde cop, who looks at it, and replies, “Well, if I had known you were a police officer, I wouldn’t have even pulled you over. You are free to go.”

Honey, what have you been teaching kids

The teacher asked little Johnny if he knows his numbers.

"Yes," he said. "I do. My father taught me." "Good. What comes after three." "Four," answers the boy.

"What comes after six?" "Seven."

"Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a good job. What comes after ten?"

"A Jack."